That’s what I’m doing.
I’m calling it “forcing the universe’s hand“.
For decades I’ve planned and plodded along. Step by step, one thing after another. Playing by the book. Trying to put goodness out there hoping somehow it comes back to me ten-fold. Chasing some dream to the point that I don’t even know what I’m chasing anymore. And all I’m finding is that this is doing nothing to make me happy, healthy or content with my life.
If I’m lucky I’m somewhere in the third quarter of my life, so there’s still time to rally and turn this thing around. I’ve burnt a lot of mental energy on things that don’t matter. That needs to change. My goal is to start pushing a lot of things out to the universe and force it to decide my path forward for me. I’m kind of over the concept of planning. I’m curating what it is that makes me happy and focusing on that.
I’m building up the courage to say “no” more often.
And working to start saying “yes” to the things that, through self reflection, are important to me from here on out. The only non-negotiable item is my children’s health and happiness, that is paramount. But beyond that…
I will aways work to leave this world better than I found it; to do good, be kind, do no harm, encourage love, oppose hate.
We overanalyze every god damn thing, for what purpose I don’t know. I’m working on not worrying about what other people think. I’m intrinsically flawed, but if I’m doing the best I can, in my heart of hearts to do good for myself (my children) and the world (all of our children), and someone has a problem with that, then that’s on them, not me.
We spend so much of our one life waiting around. Meanwhile we’re dropping dead at all ages and I just can’t reconcile in my mind that we have any time to wait for anything.
So I’m throwing out the old model.
This house and my work life the last few years are the catalyst. The house is my dream but the reality is it’s also a great burden that, like many aspects of my life, has me shackled in a glass prison where I can see out but can’t escape to the world around me. Do I hold on to the dream and try to make it work or do you move on?
I’ve been blessed, working from home has allowed me to spend the most formative years of my children’s lives at home with them. Ultimately they are the number one priority. I treasure every day I’ve been able to watch them growing up, first hand. But working for myself is also extremely stressful. I start every day not knowing if I’ll have work. Not knowing if I’ll be able to pay ANY of my bills that month. Living day to day, month to month. I’ve been fairly successful (most of the time), but the stress does wear me down. Add to that several volunteer activities and it’s a hamster wheel in front of a flame thrower.
It’s a path that leads no where.
What good is any of it if I’m stressed out about going out for pizza? What good is it if I’m so depressed I don’t want to do anything but crawl in a hole and die (or hang myself from the first floor joists in the basement storage room)?
Life has taught me, in a round about way, to focus on experiences. I wouldn’t trade any of it, and have few if any regrets. I’ve ALWAYS done it my way. I always will.
But I’m kinda worn out. Or maybe I’m just ready for a change. Something’s gotta give and I can’t just sit idle anymore. I need to start throwing some things out there. Otherwise I’m going to wither and die.
Now I’m actually excited for the first time in a long time. I don’t have a plan and that’s exactly the point. I’m going to start pushing some options out to the universe, cut and run from some other things, and going to let the universe dictate my path.
-C
P.S. You know, this blog has been about this house and projects but the funny thing is I haven’t had the time or money to do much with the house, thus the blog has been non-existant for the last couple years. Which is sad because I love writing but am rarely in the proper mindset to sit down and write (or work on a myriad of other projects I’d like to work on). I’m still on the fence as to close this blog down, keep it or maybe start a different blog to maintain my sanity during this next phase of my existence. Don’t know.
nine apple trees 