Moving Day

On August 16th, 2023 we closed on our home eleven years and four months after we moved into it, closing out the chapter and book of what I’ve been writing about for all of these years.

Over the course of about four days we spent a lot of sweat and tears, hastily at times, getting everything moved out of the house. The hard work was a great distraction for me, as I didn’t want to ponder leaving, too much. The 15th really was the toughest day of my life. It was a really challenging and sad day. The hopes and dreams of this house, in contrast to the realities were a lot to think about during those days. The boys were really great in helping out during a tough situation for them.

When I was fourteen my family sold and moved out of the home I grew up in. So I thought about that and hope that the boys would be okay with a move. At least the house part. The separation of their mom and dad probably not as much.

Not much about life goes as planned. The truth is we checked all the boxes and there were lots of smiles over those eleven years. And there was a lot of falseness and loneliness that went unrecognized. My hope would be that this is for the better (or at least survival) and the boys will someday understand.

The house was everything I planned and wanted, but I never not felt alone there. Every night was reconciled alone, and every morning started alone. My best friend on my darkest days, my cat, I didn’t even get to bring with me when I left. Everything about that place was wrong where it mattered. We were way over extended and it wasn’t sustainable any way you look at it.

As we packed up, we did do a few things to say goodbye to the estate. The last photo we took was of me in my, less than stellar, apple orchard smiling and crying. Juju bee got to take the last shot at the basketball hoop as did his mother and I.

He made both shots he took.

I missed mine.

Having moved out of the house some eighteen months ago helped me a bit. The place barely felt like home when I lived there, it felt borderline foreign those last few days. Most if not all of my pain was focused on the boys and their discomfort in having to leave.

I don’t know if I’ll ever establish a good relationship with them. It would be great to go to therapy the three of us to work through our grief and maybe in time we will be able to. I know the last four years have helped me, having someone to process things with and work on how I show up in the world. The boys have only ever stayed at my house one night but I hope in time they will want to hang out with me. And maybe it’s what I deserve for being so alone in that old house.

Life is really hard.

I wish I could write something more profound, or smart in this situation. But I don’t know what to say. I really wish we were past all of this so the rebuilding and healing could truly begin. We, as people, really don’t do a good job of building a life conducive to honest nurturing, vulnerability, and communication. I am hopeful the future will be better and this will all make sense. I am working hard to model the behavior for my boys that I want them to see…calmness, presence, love, vulnerability, courage, listening…

So where does this leave this blog?

I’m not sure. There are plenty of DIY projects to continue to cover. I do like writing so I’d like to continue to do so. Maybe a little bit of DIY and a little bit of life. Maybe some talk of what’s next. I am working on a vision board, working on my budget and goals. Maybe I can share some of that adventure. Maybe the blog evolves into something else. As I approach fifty years next week, it’s probably the right time to pivot.

Ok, I’m rambling. Here are some photos from those last days. Stay tuned for what’s next.

Checking the cabinets one last time

I took an apple from the four trees that were bearing fruit

Our last sunset 8/15/23

That’s all folks! Me in my orchard for the last time.

Two Weeks

Two weeks until we hopefully hand over the keys to the next owners of the house we started building in 2011.

For years I’ve been worried about how I’d feel leaving for good. The house, land, and I have been connected for a long time. But the reality is I started moving on a long time ago. Magic gave way to reality. Fleeting highs could no longer infill increasingly vast lows. I lived in that house alone for a long time. Leaving means rebuilding, and rebuilding means not only survival but thriving.

So, yes it’ll be sad in a way to leave. But some good memories were built there. And a new family will hopefully make many more.

And I’ll be making many more great memories myself.

A house is just a place after all. It alone can’t make any of us happy, and it’s sad when it is shared alone in plain sight. I always was made to feel like an outsider there. In my little place I’m in now I’m doing well. And learning to be content and at peace. Finally.

I have a few things to pack up. I’m guessing there’s a lot of things that were once important that are being left behind for me to figure out what to do with. Oh well. I’ll figure it out, I always do (out of necessity).

I’ll take some pictures.

Walk around.

Visit my trees.

It’ll be okay. I’ve moved on and will remember the things worth remembering.

I’m proud of what I helped build and how the vision became a reality. It was under contract within two days, for more than was being asked. A testament to the vision. It’s a good place but it was time to move on a long time ago.

I’m so very glad to be where I am at, and the love I’ve found and am finding in so many places.

I am so hopeful for what is on the horizon.

Thriving is a wonderful place to live.

Forcing the Universe’s Hand

That’s what I’m doing.

I’m calling it “forcing the universe’s hand“.

For decades I’ve planned and plodded along. Step by step, one thing after another. Playing by the book. Trying to put goodness out there hoping somehow it comes back to me ten-fold. Chasing some dream to the point that I don’t even know what I’m chasing anymore.  And all I’m finding is that this is doing nothing to make me happy, healthy or content with my life.

If I’m lucky I’m somewhere in the third quarter of my life, so there’s still time to rally and turn this thing around. I’ve burnt a lot of mental energy on things that don’t matter. That needs to change. My goal is to start pushing a lot of things out to the universe and force it to decide my path forward for me. I’m kind of over the concept of planning. I’m curating what it is that makes me happy and focusing on that.

I’m building up the courage to say “no” more often.

And working to start saying “yes” to the things that, through self reflection, are important to me from here on out. The only non-negotiable item is my children’s health and happiness, that is paramount. But beyond that…

I will aways work to leave this world better than I found it; to do good, be kind, do no harm, encourage love, oppose hate.

We overanalyze every god damn thing, for what purpose I don’t know. I’m working on not worrying about what other people think. I’m intrinsically flawed, but if I’m doing the best I can, in my heart of hearts to do good for myself (my children) and the world (all of our children), and someone has a problem with that, then that’s on them, not me.

We spend so much of our one life waiting around. Meanwhile we’re dropping dead at all ages and I just can’t reconcile in my mind that we have any time to wait for anything.

So I’m throwing out the old model.

This house and my work life the last few years are the catalyst. The house is my dream but the reality is it’s also a great burden that, like many aspects of my life, has me shackled in a glass prison where I can see out but can’t escape to the world around me. Do I hold on to the dream and try to make it work or do you move on?

I’ve been blessed, working from home has allowed me to spend the most formative years of my children’s lives at home with them. Ultimately they are the number one priority. I treasure every day I’ve been able to watch them growing up, first hand. But working for myself is also extremely stressful. I start every day not knowing if I’ll have work. Not knowing if I’ll be able to pay ANY of my bills that month. Living day to day, month to month. I’ve been fairly successful (most of the time), but the stress does wear me down. Add to that several volunteer activities and it’s a hamster wheel in front of a flame thrower.

It’s a path that leads no where.

What good is any of it if I’m stressed out about going out for pizza? What good is it if I’m so depressed I don’t want to do anything but crawl in a hole and die (or hang myself from the first floor joists in the basement storage room)?

Life has taught me, in a round about way, to focus on experiences. I wouldn’t trade any of it, and have few if any regrets. I’ve ALWAYS done it my way. I always will.

But I’m kinda worn out. Or maybe I’m just ready for a change. Something’s gotta give and I can’t just sit idle anymore. I need to start throwing some things out there. Otherwise I’m going to wither and die.

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Now I’m actually excited for the first time in a long time. I don’t have a plan and that’s exactly the point. I’m going to start pushing some options out to the universe, cut and run from some other things, and going to let the universe dictate my path.

-C

P.S. You know, this blog has been about this house and projects but the funny thing is I haven’t had the time or money to do much with the house, thus the blog has been non-existant for the last couple years. Which is sad because I love writing but am rarely in the proper mindset to sit down and write (or work on a myriad of other projects I’d like to work on). I’m still on the fence as to close this blog down, keep it or maybe start a different blog to maintain my sanity during this next phase of my existence. Don’t know.